"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breaths away."

6.25.2014

When it rains, it pours.

Just needing to vent! Once again, watching TV... alone ... again :/ I am just so tired of feeling this way! I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel so alone. God truly knows exactly how I feel and what all is on my mind. I hate being upset with my kids. I hate feeling like I lost my cool. I hate that life doesn't come with an exact instruction book because at this point I feel so lost as a mother. All I know is that I love them and would do anything for them but I also want to teach them and raise them to be well rounded adults and have plenty of guidance to get through this crazy life. It goes by too quickly.
I am so confused as to how someone can say they love you yet continue to treat you like you are nothing time and time again.Maybe they don't know what love really is. Maybe they have never truly been loved. But I have loved him. I have. More than I ever thought possible. But it isn't enough. I am not sure it ever will be. I am trying my best to do my part but at this point I have absolutely no clue how to live the best life possible while I feel like someone is holding me back so far from what I want out of life. Not because they have to but because they choose to... daily :( and that's what hurts the most I think. I don't get it.
There is so much I need to say but no one to say it to. Saying it to the person that I need to doesn't matter. So much on my mind right now that I can't even think to type. I need to gather these thoughts I have. I miss feeling like I am in control. Honestly, I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. This just isn't fair. This is not what marriage is supposed to be.

5.11.2014

Happy :/ Mother's Day 2014

First of all, happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mothers in my life. Many that I know give and give and give of themselves and are excellent role models that I dearly look up to for guidance. There are some others that I wonder about daily that I don't know how they live with themselves after some of the things they do and say. Although, then I sometimes look at myself and then wonder what in the world I am doing as a mother and how I feel that I have the right to judge when I am no better of a mother than any. But at the end of the day I know I am doing my best and I ask for forgiveness and guidance because God knows I always need it.
I don't want to sound as selfish as I have felt today, but of course this Mother's Day weekend has been just like nearly every other weekend I have endured these last few years. Friday, I was probably more excited about Kaeden's field trip to Dollywood than he actually was, but of course Cody had to make it about him as soon as we got there. I don't understand why we can't just go in public and seem to have a normal family. I guess that is because we don't have a normal family even behind closed doors. It's very confusing. First of all, he can't just help with the kids and help keep them in line. Instead he screams at them and has no clue how to deal with them which in turn makes me angry and somehow I almost always end up taking my frustration with him out on them. Secondly he would rather leave me standing and the kids looking for him while he walks away than to stand and actually have a decent conversation with me and remember that he has a family that he is responsible for as well. Third, well, he has absolutely no problem using hurtful words and saying hurtful things to me especially when we are in a public place. For example, calling me stupid as I was standing in line to get food because I asked him to take Kaeden with him to get his food while I got mine and the kids food. or when I was getting ready to pay for the food cursing at me because I asked him to bring my season pass so I could get the discount like it was really that hard for him to do. So many things... but I'll stop there. Then of course on the way home the kids were expected to go to sleep and not say a word.
Saturday, started off a little different than usual (sorta). I woke up with the kids like always. I nicely woke him up and asked if he was going to take Kaeden to baseball practice and to my surprise he didn't exactly make too big of a deal out of it and got up shortly after. I got Kaeden ready for practice and they left soon after. I was and have been pretty exhausted. but of course I did all of my mommy duties and when he got home Rachel and Buddy offered to let the kids come down to play. It wasn't very long after that Cody was asleep on the couch so I decided to lay Colton down for a nap and texted Rachel to let her know that I was going to lay down with London and try to rest for a little while. She brought the kids home shortly after so I had to get up and make sure they were not into anything and tell them to be quiet a few times. After sleeping maybe a whole 30 mins Colton woke up so that was the end of my nap. I tried waking him up (after his 2 hour nap) to see if he wanted to go to my great aunt's bday party and of course I was screamed and cursed at (nothing new there) and he refused to go. So I took the kids and went alone. We made it, had some help there and ended up coming back to him once again leaving the kids with Rachel and Buddy while I had to stop and get some diapers. So I made dinner and we got the kids in bed and he fell asleep on the couch again. Did I mention he slept the entire time I was gone as well???
Sunday morning (Mother's Day). Woke up to the kids waking each other up like usual. Thank God for at least waking us all up :) I laid there for about 30 mins then asked Cody what he might want to do today. got the usual "I don't know". Instead of him waking up and offering to help out or to let me rest a little while longer (after him sleeping most of the day yesterday) I had to get up with them and he went back to sleep. After me getting obviously upset he finally did wake up and by that time I could already tell that this Mother's Day would not be any different than any other day. I was very hurt. Not because I should have been. I guess my expectations were just higher than they should have been. I had hoped for some kind of recognition. I had hoped for him to have some kind of hint of the frustration, the exhaustion. Idk. maybe just for him to relieve some of that and make one day about me. but nope. none of that. not even after I clearly explained what I had hoped the day would have been like. The rest of the day still pretty much for lack of better words sucked. I was still told I am nothing but a bitch. I was still told I don't deserve any recognition. He still never told me Happy Mother's Day. No card. No flowers. No cooked meals. Cleaned for a little over an hour and acted like he was dying. Just overall.... in the words of Alexander, a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. And to top it off he went to bed alone right after the kids went to bed. no relaxing with him. no goodnight. still nothing. not about me. So here I am, cuddled on the couch with my little man (Kaeden). I guess this is what my Mother's Day should have been about. After all, they (my kids) are what made me a mother anyway. And they are the ones who will always be here for me even if he isn't.
Cody Trosclair, Fiance

Kaeden Makiah Davidson, Son

Ashtyn Shaide Davidson, Daughter

London Avery Trosclair, Daughter

Randy Gunter, Dad

Teresa Gunter, Mom

Randall (Buddy) Gunter, Brother

Rachel Gunter, Sister in law

Erika Young, Niece

William Gunter, Nephew

Dominic Gunter, Newphew







Ashley Bier
Jennifer Byer
Sharon Walker
Erica Scalf





Movie: P.S. I Love You
Colors in order: Black, Red, Brown, Green
Reality Shows: American Idol, Dancing with the Stars
Book: Anything by Nicholas Sparks and The Twilight Series