"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breaths away."

6.25.2014

When it rains, it pours.

Just needing to vent! Once again, watching TV... alone ... again :/ I am just so tired of feeling this way! I have no idea what to do anymore. I feel so alone. God truly knows exactly how I feel and what all is on my mind. I hate being upset with my kids. I hate feeling like I lost my cool. I hate that life doesn't come with an exact instruction book because at this point I feel so lost as a mother. All I know is that I love them and would do anything for them but I also want to teach them and raise them to be well rounded adults and have plenty of guidance to get through this crazy life. It goes by too quickly.
I am so confused as to how someone can say they love you yet continue to treat you like you are nothing time and time again.Maybe they don't know what love really is. Maybe they have never truly been loved. But I have loved him. I have. More than I ever thought possible. But it isn't enough. I am not sure it ever will be. I am trying my best to do my part but at this point I have absolutely no clue how to live the best life possible while I feel like someone is holding me back so far from what I want out of life. Not because they have to but because they choose to... daily :( and that's what hurts the most I think. I don't get it.
There is so much I need to say but no one to say it to. Saying it to the person that I need to doesn't matter. So much on my mind right now that I can't even think to type. I need to gather these thoughts I have. I miss feeling like I am in control. Honestly, I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. This just isn't fair. This is not what marriage is supposed to be.

5.11.2014

Happy :/ Mother's Day 2014

First of all, happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mothers in my life. Many that I know give and give and give of themselves and are excellent role models that I dearly look up to for guidance. There are some others that I wonder about daily that I don't know how they live with themselves after some of the things they do and say. Although, then I sometimes look at myself and then wonder what in the world I am doing as a mother and how I feel that I have the right to judge when I am no better of a mother than any. But at the end of the day I know I am doing my best and I ask for forgiveness and guidance because God knows I always need it.
I don't want to sound as selfish as I have felt today, but of course this Mother's Day weekend has been just like nearly every other weekend I have endured these last few years. Friday, I was probably more excited about Kaeden's field trip to Dollywood than he actually was, but of course Cody had to make it about him as soon as we got there. I don't understand why we can't just go in public and seem to have a normal family. I guess that is because we don't have a normal family even behind closed doors. It's very confusing. First of all, he can't just help with the kids and help keep them in line. Instead he screams at them and has no clue how to deal with them which in turn makes me angry and somehow I almost always end up taking my frustration with him out on them. Secondly he would rather leave me standing and the kids looking for him while he walks away than to stand and actually have a decent conversation with me and remember that he has a family that he is responsible for as well. Third, well, he has absolutely no problem using hurtful words and saying hurtful things to me especially when we are in a public place. For example, calling me stupid as I was standing in line to get food because I asked him to take Kaeden with him to get his food while I got mine and the kids food. or when I was getting ready to pay for the food cursing at me because I asked him to bring my season pass so I could get the discount like it was really that hard for him to do. So many things... but I'll stop there. Then of course on the way home the kids were expected to go to sleep and not say a word.
Saturday, started off a little different than usual (sorta). I woke up with the kids like always. I nicely woke him up and asked if he was going to take Kaeden to baseball practice and to my surprise he didn't exactly make too big of a deal out of it and got up shortly after. I got Kaeden ready for practice and they left soon after. I was and have been pretty exhausted. but of course I did all of my mommy duties and when he got home Rachel and Buddy offered to let the kids come down to play. It wasn't very long after that Cody was asleep on the couch so I decided to lay Colton down for a nap and texted Rachel to let her know that I was going to lay down with London and try to rest for a little while. She brought the kids home shortly after so I had to get up and make sure they were not into anything and tell them to be quiet a few times. After sleeping maybe a whole 30 mins Colton woke up so that was the end of my nap. I tried waking him up (after his 2 hour nap) to see if he wanted to go to my great aunt's bday party and of course I was screamed and cursed at (nothing new there) and he refused to go. So I took the kids and went alone. We made it, had some help there and ended up coming back to him once again leaving the kids with Rachel and Buddy while I had to stop and get some diapers. So I made dinner and we got the kids in bed and he fell asleep on the couch again. Did I mention he slept the entire time I was gone as well???
Sunday morning (Mother's Day). Woke up to the kids waking each other up like usual. Thank God for at least waking us all up :) I laid there for about 30 mins then asked Cody what he might want to do today. got the usual "I don't know". Instead of him waking up and offering to help out or to let me rest a little while longer (after him sleeping most of the day yesterday) I had to get up with them and he went back to sleep. After me getting obviously upset he finally did wake up and by that time I could already tell that this Mother's Day would not be any different than any other day. I was very hurt. Not because I should have been. I guess my expectations were just higher than they should have been. I had hoped for some kind of recognition. I had hoped for him to have some kind of hint of the frustration, the exhaustion. Idk. maybe just for him to relieve some of that and make one day about me. but nope. none of that. not even after I clearly explained what I had hoped the day would have been like. The rest of the day still pretty much for lack of better words sucked. I was still told I am nothing but a bitch. I was still told I don't deserve any recognition. He still never told me Happy Mother's Day. No card. No flowers. No cooked meals. Cleaned for a little over an hour and acted like he was dying. Just overall.... in the words of Alexander, a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. And to top it off he went to bed alone right after the kids went to bed. no relaxing with him. no goodnight. still nothing. not about me. So here I am, cuddled on the couch with my little man (Kaeden). I guess this is what my Mother's Day should have been about. After all, they (my kids) are what made me a mother anyway. And they are the ones who will always be here for me even if he isn't.

7.05.2012

Life like this

Update: I haven't posted in quite some time once again, so here goes a little catching up... I am now Mrs. Trosclair! Yes we did get married. May 19, 2012 @ 5 pm. Cody is still working @ Eastern Plating. I am still a stay at home mommy and I do believe this qualifies as a full time job with plenty of overtime. I'm still trying to figure out why I don't get paid for it :/ The summer is in full swing. Temps have been nearing or passing the 100 mark and that is a tad bit too hot for me. But at least it beats the cold weather. We have been swimming several times and have found a few outdoor activities that the kids enjoy such as using the crayon squirters from the Dollar tree with a bucket of water. Most definately keeps them occupied for awhile. London is now 10 months old and growing like a weed... She finally learned to crawl at 8 and a half months. She is beginning to pull herself up to a standing position, so I'm sure it won't be too much longer before she figures out the walking process. However, still no teeth. I'm sure that won't be too much longer though. Bout time to start planning for her first bday party although we still haven't decided on a theme yet. Ashtyn and Kaeden have been attending Bible school at Grace Baptist Church this week. I think they have enjoyed themselves but they don't tell us much so I'm not so sure. Kaeden begins summer school next week. I'm a little excited about that. Partly because of the short break I will be getting from him and partly because I think he will enjoy it. Plus it will prepare him a little more for "Big" school. It's hard to believe he will be starting kindergarten already. Ashtyn will be starting pre-school this year. She is extremely excited. I hope Erika (her cousin) will get to go with her. Thank God their schools are so close together so I don't have to run all over the county every day and it wont be too far from our home. Now just to start working on a more efficient discipline method because right now it seems nothing is working.
*Learning goals for this month include: For Kaeden- learn to write name, learn address and telephone #, learn to write most letters. For Ashtyn- learn to start writing name, learn address and phone # and learn #s 1-10.
Next phase of our life- FIND A HOME! I am more than ready to find us a house. I hope by our one year anniversary we will be in our own home! That would be an anniversary gift in itself. Then maybe we can begin thinking about adding to our family. I guess only time will tell. Needless to say I am already tired of the apartment we are in now... Not so much because of the apartment itself, just feel like we have no privacy, we have had a problem with bedbugs {grrrrr} and there are way too many people here. and oh yeah, I can't really be as creative in our apartment as I would like to be. Plus, I think $500 a month is way too much to be paying for something that will never be ours! So realtors, here we come!
Personal Goals: I am trying to lose weight. I weigh around 116 now. My goal is to be at 112 in a month. that would be a pound a week. I think I can, I think I can :) then so on and so on. My other goal is to stop cursing as and to work on my anger and not letting it get out of control. I want to learn better ways to control myself when I'm upset especially with my husband and my children.

5.08.2012

April Showers bring May Flowers....

well... actually Cody brought them home and surprised me! After having a not so great night the day before, all I could do was smile when he walked through the door with these. This is the first time he has ever bought me flowers. They are beautiful and smell like the fresh air outside. Although, I would have rather had red or white roses, I def won't be picky and he has the rest of our life to learn more about me! After opening the card, I was almost in tears. I was really upset the night before and these definately made things a little better!
Even though, his handwriting is not the best in the world, these four words meant the world to me. I am a very lucky girl to have someone who really loves me and my kids as much as he truly does even if he sometimes has a hard time showing it and may not always realize how much we really love him. So tomorrow, I'm going to begin a countdown until we become husband and wife. It will only be ten more days! Except, instead of just counting down, I want to recognize one reason for each day that I am in love with him. So, for the next 10 days, you can look forward to reading about the top ten reasons I want to spend the rest of my life with Cody Trosclair along with maybe a few other thoughts that may run through my mind! For now, I need to make out a grocery list and figure out all of the things I need to do in the next two weeks!

5.07.2012

Wedding Bliss(less)

What on Earth is my mind going though right now? I have so many fears, so many thoughts and way too much time. I know compared to many, my story is less than something to be complaining about and maybe I should focus on that, but right now I just want to be a bit selfish. I do my very best every day to take the best care of my family. My soon to be husband and my three precious children. I rarely have time for myself and when I do I am overwhelmed with all that I need to do and the fact that I have very little energy or time to do it all. I feel like a failure all to often because I feel like I don't spend enough real 'time' with my babies and I feel like I have missed so many things by just not paying enough attention. Don't get me wrong I am with them nearly every hour of every day, but sometimes they just exist and I just make sure they are taken care of and take for granted the little things that I should be paying attention to. For example, I know in the past few days Ashtyn has asked me what seems like a million times to play dolls or littlest pets with her and I've told her each and every time that I am too busy and still haven't made time for that yet. Next on my agenda, play with my little girl while she's still little. If she's anything like myself, she surely won't be this little for long.
I am terribly emotional right now. Have absolutely no clue why. I asked my kids today what they wanted to be when they grow up and Ashtyn said she wanted to be a cooker lol. At the thought of that, I kinda giggled and thought to myself that I hope she cooks better than her mommy. Then, I asked Kaeden, not really even expecting an answer, and to my surprise all he said was.... "like Cody". I burst into tears. I am so angry at the fact that his real "dad" never had any interest in being his Dad. But also, I am very thankful that he does have someone that he will eventually see as his DAD and I thank God every day that Cody is here for them and I know in my heart that he doesn't have to be.
As for our wedding, I am excited, nervous, emotional, happy, angry, sad and I believe about all of the emotions I could possibly be right now. I am excited that I love this man with all of my heart and that I am going to be spending the rest of my life with him. I am nervous of just the thought of getting married and of seeing Cody in a tux. I am happy that we found each other. I am angry that he hasn't helped me plan much of anything and that I wanted it to be something we did together. I am sad that most of his family won't be able to be there although I am glad that some of them will and I'm excited for them to finally meet our daughter. I don't know. I'm sure after it is all said and done, that I will be thrilled.
I suppose I am finished venting now and I can go on with my day. I will surely be busy the next couple weeks and time is flying by so quickly. Hope everyone has a good day as well as myself and my family unlike yesterday!

4.30.2012

{un}blinded Eyes

Ephesians 1:18 (NIV)
I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people

I have definately had my eyes opened in the past month or so by reading scripture and encouragement from http://unveiledwife.com/. Through Jennifer, God has opened my heart to learning how to love my soon to be husband and forever companion and best friend. She has encouraged me to want to be a better wife, mother, daughter and simply a better Christian. I have realized that if and when I put God first and foremost in my life, everything else will fall into place.

I have many things that have been weighing heavily on my mind in recent times and let's all be realistic here, in this day and time, who doesn't? I guess my main goal that I want to accomplish is to let everyone know that Life isn't and prob never will be perfect, but if we all hang in there and pray daily for one another and continue uplifting and encouraging one another, we will make it through. I know in the past I have been guilty of wanting everyone to think my life is perfect. But really it isn't. I get more than stressed. I have three children. One with autism that tests my patience but in return teaches me so many things about life. A three year old daughter, whom is at the age that she is learning to be stubborn and trying to see how far she can get. She is definately showing me that I have to be strong in my discipline and stick to what I say. And of course our 7 month old little girl, that I want to teach the things that I've learned from my other two little ones the first go round. I have a fiance that has different opinions than myself. We don't always see eye to eye on everything, but at the end of the night I am still more in love with him than I was that morning when I opened my eyes. I want other women to know that through it all , Everything will be alright and that someone somewhere is praying for you and your struggles and thanking God for your triumphs. So, I hope that you will follow me through my up, downs, struggles, triumphs, sadnesses, joys, trials and all the other moments that I want to treasure in life. And even if no one is reading this, I am still encouraged to write it so I can look back for myself and see what I've overcome and reminisce over things that are mere bittersweet memories later.

4.21.2012

Insomnia... o how I loathe thee...

Can't sleep... not sure if it's the bug bites on my hands that are constantly itching, the endless thoughts in my mind, or possibly the fact that everyone else in the house is sleeping and it's well... Quiet. Most likely a combination of all three. So, let's play catch-up.

Monday, was probably a busy day but honestly I can't really remember. It seems like it has been forever ago.

Tuesday, I cleaned pretty much the entire day. Got a few groceries. Had a bit of an argument with Cody. Finally, crashed and got up again at 4:30 a.m. again on Wednesday to finish cleaning and preparing for our apartment inspection on Wednesday.

Wednesday, quickly changed clothes and got myself and all 3 little ones ready to go after cleaning for a full 3 and a half hrs and managing to get the entire house looking fairly spotless. Took the girls to my mom's. Met Kaeden's classmates and teachers at his school and rode the bus to Rainforest Adventures! Thoroughly enjoyed myself with my son and his class (although it rained and was a bit chilly). Came home, had passed our inspection with flying colors, and hurried back to my mom's to pick up the girls. I think this is the night I made the 'Taco Cupcakes'. Plain Chicken They turned out amazing and quite simple if I may say so myself.


Thursday, got up late. Ashtyn and London didnt feel well. Decided not to send Kaeden to school. wasted a bit of time although I have no idea where it went or what I did, and rushed to get the kids to Rachel so we would be on time for Cody to take his road test and get his license. Apparently I didnt rush enough cause I got lost and we ended up being late and missing it anyway :/ On the positive side we did go eat at la Carreta and ate way too much. Then went back to mom's and spent the remainder of the evening there.

Friday, once again, quickly got up and got myself and the kids ready. Took Kaeden to meet the bus. Dropped the girls off at mom's again. (yes i know, I am very thankful for my mom) I, then, drove to the main Head Start office and met with Ms. Trudy and we took a bus to Jefferson City to a luncheon. I have to say it was more than enjoyable and I had a great time! I absolutely loved the sweet little older ladies and the good company of the other mothers and teachers. We were entertained by a group of Head Start children :), a local aspiring musician, Travis Singleton www.travissingleton.com, and the food was absolutely amazing! Once back in Newport, I sold a few items that I had listed online and had just enough time to pick up Kaeden! Back to mom's. Back home. Trip to Walmart to get ink that I had already purchased that didnt work and to rent a movie that we didnt even watch.

finally Saturday, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The week is almost over. Been working on Wedding invitations all day. I am exhausted, and seems like I have a mild case of Insomnia at this moment in time.
Cody Trosclair, Fiance

Kaeden Makiah Davidson, Son

Ashtyn Shaide Davidson, Daughter

London Avery Trosclair, Daughter

Randy Gunter, Dad

Teresa Gunter, Mom

Randall (Buddy) Gunter, Brother

Rachel Gunter, Sister in law

Erika Young, Niece

William Gunter, Nephew

Dominic Gunter, Newphew







Ashley Bier
Jennifer Byer
Sharon Walker
Erica Scalf





Movie: P.S. I Love You
Colors in order: Black, Red, Brown, Green
Reality Shows: American Idol, Dancing with the Stars
Book: Anything by Nicholas Sparks and The Twilight Series